John Mulaney Returns Once More

Hi, my name is John Mulaney. And I feel litigious about being Conan O'Brien's friend, sir. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walkin' blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are gonna be friends, yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hello and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, sitting here with Sona Movsesian, of course, Matt Gourley. And what's going on, Sona, you have some announcements. I want to just congratulate you, because you got something called Dab of the Decade, which is... Dab of the Decade. You have been voted by the people as the top guest on Hot Ones in their entirety of the whole run. What? No, wait a minute. Explain this to me. They had like a series of people were up for... Like a bracket? There was a bracket? Oh my God, look at this picture. Oh my God, look at that. I mean... Look at that. You were up against Ariana Grande in the last round. And there's a picture of the two of you. And her picture, she's stunning. She looks gorgeous. She's beautiful. She's beautiful. And you, like right underneath her, you're this crazy person and there's milk just coming out of your mouth. A monster. A true monster. An absolute monster. A true monster. Yeah. Yeah. Nosferatu beat out Snow White. I post breastfeed Nosferatu. That's insane. So how many people... Who knows about this contest, really knows about it? How many people were in the brackets? How many people were I up against? Was it every past guest of Hot Ones? Yeah. It was eight people. It started with eight people. Okay. First, you're up against Jennifer Lawrence. So you know. Who I love and who's hilarious. The other people are Paul Rudd, Shaq, Idris Elba, Gordon Ramsay, Jennifer Lawrence, Lorde, and Ariana Grande. Wow. That's actually a decent lineup. And these are all really memorable Hot Ones episodes. I mean, you know. Wow. So I have one dab of the decade. And they really chose such flattering pictures of everyone. It's okay. You know me, right? Sona, you know me. And what's the picture that I would want out there? You would want this picture. Yes. Yes. The craziest picture. And I was just thinking, like, if my time, whenever my time comes and I pass on to the next realm, if the New York Times runs an obit, I want that photo. I want that photo. Your funeral when they have pictures on the... Yes. Picture on the easel next to the casket or the urn. Your laser-etched headstone. Yes. I want it to be that. And most people will think, oh, I don't know who he is, but he apparently choked to death. You should have your headstone laser-etched with that, but there's a little opening that just shoots milk out of your mouth. Milk mixed with hot sauce. So people walking by the grave, and there's a motion sensor, there's a motion sensor that senses someone's passing, and it shoots a mixture of 2% milk and hot sauce at you. And you're like, Jesus! I'm trying to go visit my grandmother, and I accidentally pass by... Who's Conan O'Brien? Oh my God. Yeah. There's a lot of things they can etch on your tombstone. That's the one right now. There could also be a little masturbating bear. Your tombstone could be a freak show. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's just all the stuff in your mind. Well, you know, the technology will exist where it can be a hologram and different images can be coming up. It can be me in the old-timey baseball, you know, whatever. Different things that have gone viral over the years, moments from this podcast. And people will just pass this headstone, and they'll have forgotten me. I'll be long forgotten. But they'll see these moments, and they'll think, this was a... What was wrong with this man? This clown. Who was... Well, I don't know. Or what kind of brain disease did he have? He clearly had some sort of worm eating away his brain. He died a horrible death. A gunshot shooting out of his mouth. A bear jerking off on him. Oh, God. What a horrible way to go. This poor fellow. Well, I can't think of a better introduction. Might as well get to it. We should get into it. My guest today, it says a hilarious comedian. I think maybe the funniest comedian out there, who now hosts the Netflix talk show, Everybody's Live with John Mulaney. I'm beyond excited that he's here today. He's one of the greats. John Mulaney, welcome. You want to lawyer up? Are you already lawyered up? I'm heavily lawyered up. Okay. I need to lawyer up. This is going to be a few phone calls. I'll take you on any day. I would like us to be in a long, protracted lawsuit that nobody understands. I'd love it. And we start having to refer to each other as Mr. Mulaney and Mr. O'Brien. There's a moment in the Eagles documentary, and I'm like, I don't want to be a lawyer. I don't want to be a lawyer. I don't want to be a lawyer. I don't want to be a lawyer. I don't want to be a lawyer. I don't want to be a lawyer. feels to understand is that we are a brotherhood. My favorite part of the Eagles documentary is I think there's a part where they realize that David Geffen is kind of taking advantage of them, and they, unbelievably, and so the way the documentary lays out, if you watch the Eagles documentary, and you do not have to be an Eagles fan to love the Eagles documentary. You just have to have some time. Yeah, you just have to have some time. But it's a great documentary in the way things lay out. They got everyone to talk. So they have different Eagles talking about getting together, and then they meet David Geffen, and then David Geffen says, oh, they were the best, they're fantastic. They were amazing, I knew right away. And then they all start working together, everything's great, and then some of them on camera start to say, yeah, but then we thought, maybe this deal, maybe David Geffen's getting a lot of money. And they cut to David Geffen, and he went, ah, musicians are ingrates. You know, totally, I think in the same day that he's- They cut, yeah. They go from Don Henley talking to Geffen, and he goes, he's a malcontent. He's a malcontent. He's always been a malcontent. But then they all go their separate ways from David Geffen. The documentary goes on for another bunch of years, and then they're all, the Eagles break up, then they're all on their own, and Henley says, you know, I bump into David Geffen, and I'm thinking, what was that all about? Let's get back together again. And then they cut to Geffen, and he's like, I knew Henley, he was the voice, and he was so magical, and he could do no wrong. And then they start working together for a little bit, and Don Henley goes, yeah, and then I started to notice that, you know, my socks were missing, and my watch was missing. And then they cut to him, and he goes, a malcontent. He's always going to be a malcontent. Oh, we should get into that kind of lawsuit. People would love it. I'd love it. I love if we, let's do something together and then fight over the rights to it until we bury each other in legal costs. Yes. That'd be so fun. And everyone will know about the beef we have because it will constantly, we'll make sure that it's constantly in the trades, but no one will ever really understand what it's all about. Not at all. We should buy a piece of property together. It should also become a thing where the tactics of the lawsuit then become what we're fighting over. Yes. Where, like, the actual, you know, where I'm now just harassing you and you me. It's so funny. People love suing. They do. Just love it. They do. Well, I'll get, I'll see you in court, asshole. Yeah. They love it. Yeah. They love every part of it. Well, we're going to start that. We'll tackle that later, okay? I promise you there'll be a John Mulaney, Conan O'Brien lawsuit coming very soon. Let me congratulate- Let's write one song together. Called We Will Always Be Friends. Yeah. We Will Always Be Friends. Two content men. By the contentors. Yeah. I want to compliment you. Everybody's live first episode. I don't know when this airs. When does this air? You idiots. I'm sorry. I'm looking at my own people. Not you, John. I have a lot of respect for you because I don't see you that often. It's fine. But I'm talking about the people I love and respect here. This episode? March 31st. Okay. Well. Okay. So we'll have done three by then. Okay. And you know what? We're not even going to edit this because I like people to see the process. 100%. We are fallible. Exactly. People don't know that you and I- And that this isn't coming to you right out of the mic. He's banking these. Yes. I'm banking these. He just has a bank of them. Yeah. So he can sell the library. Yeah. Still has two years to live as we record this. Now I have to edit. Okay. That thing you did. You ruined it. All right. I fucked up. I'll see you in court. I saw- That guy loved hospice. He was in hospice forever. He got better in hospice. Yeah, I know. He's the only- Jimmy Carter's the only guy that went into hospice. And then like six weeks later, they saw him jogging around the neighborhood and lifting weights. He was down in Venice Beach weightlifting. Yeah. No, he really was. He was drinking pre-workout powder and just doing leg days. Yeah. It was crazy. Everybody's live. Your show makes me very happy. Thanks, man. And I really, I'm just delighted that you're doing it and kind of don't understand why nobody said, hey, I want to play with this format for a specific amount of time and really fuck around and play with it and then move on to some other stuff and then maybe come back to it. There was a, in my day, kind of a get down into the galley and pull that oar for, you know what I mean? An hour a day. And it really does change the tenor of everything. And here you guys are just having fun. And I'm not sure, I know you're going to do, you had the previous season, which had a different name. That was Everybody's in LA. Right. And we covered the city of LA. It was during the Netflix is a Joke Festival. Yes. So like every comedian was in town. Yeah. And it was a funny situation that we're all in the town of Los Angeles. Yes. This we've broadened out, you know, topic wise and where we're filming some stuff. And you have a very, your monologue I thought was very funny, but you talk about, you had a focus group. Look at the name. Everybody's in LA and you said, people, a lot of people in the United States don't like Los Angeles. No, it's really, I was like, no, come on people. It's not coastal. They say live from New York. It's Saturday night. I was like, people like the data. No, people don't like Los Angeles. And then after the fires, I thought, now they might like it, feel bad for it at least. No. And you know, what's interesting is that people. Pro fire, the focus group. Yeah. Yeah. May have started it. Yeah, may have started it. The fire is running for president next year as a Democrat. The thing that's shocking is if you drift around LA and get a little north, like people in San Francisco hate LA. Yeah. People in LA don't feel that way about San Francisco. I don't think they feel that way about any place. Yeah. People in LA are quite, oh no, no. I, you know, I, I ask them about any place, ask them about Boulder. They're like, oh yeah, Boulder sounds great. I've never been there, but it sounds great. They love every area right outside of LA. Yes. Any place, Cerritos. Oh, Cerritos. It's great. People love Palos Verdes. Any, anything near it, we're pro. Yes. There's not even like suburban, you know. There's a very open mindedness towards other areas, but everyone's sort of decided that LA is a, is a terrible place filled with terrible people. So I think you were right to change the title. Everybody's live. And it's also funny to cave just to be like, like to be at a, it was, it struck me as a funny situation to kind of be like, I've been able to do a lot of things in the past few years and I have some options. It wasn't like it's this show or the highway. So, you know, the fact that I caved so quickly on a thing like the title was to me, funny in and of itself. Yes. They go, we want you to take out LA and me to go, okay, yeah, yeah. Whatever you want. So it would be funny for you to, you would enjoy being a narc, for example, or to, you know, like to, to, to, so if I didn't have to, because some people it's like, you know, you get busted with, you know, with a kilo and you're like, you got to flip on some other guys. That's a jam. To choose to knock, to choose to knock out of the sheer fucking love of it. So, so to sell secrets to the Russians and not even profit from it, I love those people the most, the actual pro, the actual pro Russia people, or they're not even pro Russia. They just enjoy it. It's fun to sell state secrets. Yeah. What was Alger Hiss? Was he getting money? Like, I, I just, I, some people I think gave secrets cause they're like, it can't be so one-sided. Right. Right. He wanted to even things out. Yeah. I forget what Alger Hiss did something to like, he hit microfilm in a, in a carved out pumpkin. I think, uh, listen, he was, uh, you kids, you better bone up on this. But Alger Hiss, of course, really was how Richard Nixon made his career. He made his bones prosecuting Alger Hiss. There you go. Little fun fact for you kids that are listening right now. This is why they won't let me have a weekly TV show anymore. I would turn your show so quickly into Alger Hiss history. I, yes, I'm, I'm seriously, seriously skating that right now. That's very nice. What you said about the show. That means a lot. Late night. I mean, you, it's so funny cause you did the same thing, but at the highest possible stakes nightly. And I don't think now doing it a little, I mean, meaning six episodes in one. So just, but just having a taste of it, I'm like, there is a thing where you just can't help but do it differently because you know, and I got the sense that those early years of late night, it was like, you guys couldn't help but make it as, it's almost like for you to do the best job possible. You had to make it as weird as it was. Yes. Like that to you was doing a good job. Yes. So we, uh, if we thought of an idea and it wasn't just anti-establishment, it was just really ideas that delighted us, but we knew that anyone randomly tuning in would probably be very confused except, uh, you know, a young John Mulaney who might really like it. If only I had known you then that would have, I've said this to other people would have given me great solace to know that you were out there as a kid rooting us on, but, but I, but, um, yeah, we would do, I think of the things we do now and it's like watching yourself skateboarding over sharks, you know, uh, in doing some stunt that you did at the time without thinking too much about it. And now I look at it and I'm frightened for the younger me because we would do a whole episode where Andy and I got locked in a meat locker and we had flashbacks. It's insane because we'd only been on the air for a couple of months and we were totally, I think it was all very suicidal and nobody was happy. We were making ourselves happy. Um, but what, one of the things I saw on your show that really made me happy, it's a great idea was you got a bunch of people together who had played Willie Loman, some of them from death of a salesman, some of them quite like a bunch of very famous actors, Christopher Lloyd, Anthony, the Paglia, Rob Morrow. And, and you got them in there and you did a focus group with them as, as a bunch of Willie Lomans. And it just, uh, we live in this era where I think people got intoxicated at some point with comedy, having a point and comedy meaning something and comedy, comedy driving the conversation and conversation, you know, whatever, the conversation became a term I never used to hear about the conversation. No, no. And, um, I also, you know, I think it's a feedback loop sometimes cause the press, that's what they cover names, the press likes to cover, uh, that kind of stuff. So with, and by the way, it's, it, those shows are good and those people do good work and it's easier to cover. It's, I wouldn't know what to write. Covering comedy is also bizarre because it's kind of an objective result, like it kind of worked or it didn't. It's by, sorry, it's intensely subjective. But then in terms of the show doing the piece, it worked or it didn't. But I think, um, I just love when there's a really funny idea that's very creative. Uh, I, I enjoy it so much more and I, I swear to God, I'll go to my grave thinking it has a power that's hard to understand, but it's there. So the Willie Loman thing was making me really laugh. I really love you throwing to commercials that don't, aren't, are not commercials that don't need to exist. But I know that you grew up seeing people, you know, like me or Letterman or whatever, throwing to commercial and you know that it's part of this right, R I T E, this, this religious right that you say, we're going to take a break, but it's, you know, I'm not selling any. I stole Cabot's. He always said, we'll be back after this message, which I found was like a weird way to refer to commercials. Right. Right. Like they're just, there's a statement. A company wants to make a statement. We have no, we have no way of no. Yeah. We had no way profit. It's like doing TV. It feels like, uh, it feels like doing like TV when TV were on TV, when TV were on TV. I don't think you should have a show anymore. Yeah, I know. Thank you. This is pre-recorded. Well, that's the other thing too, that feels like doing broadcast TV. Yes. So you start the show, uh, at what time do you start it? 7 p.m. Pacific. We go live 10 p.m. New York. Right. But it was kind of exciting. You walked out and you said, hello everybody. It, you know, it is nine Oh one. Oh yeah. I get, I give time and temp. So seven Oh two in Los Angeles the other night it was 67 it was rainy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it was, I don't know, it was just, there's something about that where I thought a lot of people, if they're going to do live TV, they want to do something like, I'm going to put my head in a tiger's mouth and that's going to make it compelling. You were giving, um, the exact time and temperature and I found it exciting. Yeah. Thank you. I appreciate that a lot. It's like, wow. Yeah, I appreciate that. Well, I could also look at my Apple watch, but, uh, I don't know, it was, it looks like you're having fun too. It's incredibly fun. I would say, um, doing those six episodes was, and then working on this new incarnation, it can be tiring, but it's never hard. It is a really, it, it just is really fun. I have to say, I haven't had a lot of experiences like that where there's kind of no other than wanting to realize the things we want to do as best we can. There's no like, uh, I don't know. There's not, there's no obstacle. Maybe there should be some, but there's no obstacle. Right. So, uh, I got a little bit of nostalgia because you're coming from Sunset Gower Studios, which is where Greg Daniels and I started. Um, that was my first, we, we got out of college, uh, summer after college, we're sending out, you know, trying to write for TV. Uh, we got crazy lucky and got a starting gig, uh, at a show called Not to Show the News that, that taped at Sunset Gower Studios. Nice. That's still imprinted on my brain. I felt that we had gone to Saturn. That's how strange it was to go from Boston, Massachusetts. And I had been on a plane like twice. And I am suddenly in Los Angeles expecting to see Eric Estrada, you know, you just keep thinking, where are the celebrities? There must, this is where the celebrities are. And you're walking around Hollywood and you're mostly, uh, seeing sex workers, um, uh, and this is the walk of fame, Barbara Broccoli. I remember being stunned at how seedy I misunderstood and Greg, my partner, Greg Daniels did too. We confused Hollywood with like Beverly Hills. Yeah. So I thought Hollywood was where all the stars lived and that's where the mansions were. So we got a place like on, uh, Koreatown and then we were like, let's get spiffed up and go over to Hollywood. And we were walking around the Hollywood walk of fame, which of course is you're dodging vomit and, uh, it's, it's grim. It's very grim. And I remembered being, you know, you could buy, I mean, you're, you could go buy a sword or a bong or something. You're right. I, I was too harsh. Sunset Gower is great because when you actually go to bigger studios in Los Angeles, there's such remote areas other than Paramount. There's such remote, overwhelming, faceless, just all consuming areas. Once you drive on the lot, Sunset Gower is like next to the Gower Gulch, which is like a Western themed Rite Aid and the Arby's sign that's sort of famous, which is no longer even an Arby's. Right. And then like, there's like a gate and you drive on and it's like a few built. Sunset Gower is just very low key. Sunset Gower looks the way a studio's supposed to look from like the 1920s. Like the end of Blazing Saddles type studio of everyone running in, yeah. Yes, it's someone, and there'd be a bunch of people outside with autograph books waiting for a star to sign an autograph. You know that Elvis story with the Paramount lot? Which one? So when he first started making movies, he'd drive through those Melrose gates and he had to hide under all these coats, you know, because the girls would be swarming the gates and didn't want to know which car he was in. And he makes a movie, goes to the army, movie, movie, movie, movie, movie. He's deep in like, you know, Blue Tampa or whatever the films were by the end. Right, Girls, Girls, Girls. Yeah, I think that was even kind of a hit. This is like the late era, later 60s. And the colonel would still tell him to hide under the coats but there was no one waiting. Aw. We have to do that for Conan when he comes back. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have a story, Sunset Gower story, which is I was once driving to work and I know exactly when this would have been because you could look it up, but I'm going down Gower Street. I take the right off Sunset. I'm going down Gower. I see a parking space and I turn around right near where Paramount is. Sweet. I do a U-turn, an illegal U-turn really quickly. And a car is just then pulling in to the gates and I almost hit it and I stopped fast in my shitty car. And the person looking out the window at me is Eddie Murphy. Oh. He's not driving. He's being driven. He's in the passenger side and he's shooting The Golden Child. So I almost ended Eddie Murphy's life as he was making The Golden Child. What year would that be? That movie came out in 1986. Okay, that's perfect. The main weekend is Three Amigos. Oh. Oh, is that true? Yeah, and it beat Three Amigos at the box office. And those guys, those Three Amigos guys will tell you that at the drop of a hat. But Three Amigos has aged better. Exactly. But you can't convince someone of, when people feel attached to something, it's in a sweet way. They're very like, well, it didn't open. Golden Child won the week, you know. I think it's done okay since then. They never get over it. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah. In a nice way. It doesn't sound nice to me. Yeah, I know. I'm just cushioning the story of how petty they are. I'm trying with some interjecting positivity at the end. No, but it's nice. They're fixated on their own failures. It's narcissistic, but it's sweet. It's nice. It's nice, but it's nice. You can always just add, it's nice. Marty can't see the forest for the trees. He's completely blindsided by failure, but it's sweet. He's a good guy. It's nice, and it's fun, and people like it. It's nice. It's good to always remember. The Tates and the LaBiancas were murdered within two days, but it's nice. It's nice. It's fine. It's Los Feliz. I want to pay you another compliment because that's the kind of guy I am, and this comes from the heart. I went to the SNL 50. It comes from the heart with no eye contact. I know. I know. I'll pay you a compliment. That's how we do it. Thank you so much. I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah. Gotta look at this rubber coaster. You're a solid guy. Here we go. Look at that. Look at that. It's so Irish, and it is St. Patrick's Day today. Hey, happy St. Patrick's Day. And guess what? I'm not doing this intentionally. I'm not a fan of St. Patrick's Day. I'm not a kiss-me-I'm-Irish guy. No. And so I, people are always giving me shit for not wearing green, and I always, it's not a statement I just completely forget, so I'm wearing- I think it's a statement. You think it's a statement? I wanted to compliment you because I went to the SNL 50th, and I know that you were a creative force, a writer behind the SNL 50th, along with some other fellows. Yeah. Was it Simon Rich? Yeah, Simon was back too. And I- And Emily Spivey, Paula Pell, James Anderson, Tina was working. I have to say, I thought the show was great. I had good seats, didn't know anything that was gonna happen. It's interesting. I think enough time has gone by, and I loved my time at Saturday Night Live, but I needed, all of us have war stories, all of us have some form of PTSD from the intensity of that time of our lives, that all this time went by, and I came back, and I just had a blast. Oh, that's great. I loved it. I loved talking to everybody. I enjoyed the show. I thought it was really well-written. I thought it was paced really well. I was stunned at how much content there was. I just, I mean, from beginning to end, it was cool. There was so, I mean, granted, recurring sketches and things that had been done before, or, and the like, but there was so much new performance. Like it wasn't- Yes, yeah. They showed a couple, they showed the Schiller's Reel with John Belushi. They showed a couple film pieces, but that was it. They showed a few commercial parody montages. Oh, that's right, yeah. There were very few montages. It was mostly- And that was mainly to make acts and get, you know, it's like set transitions and stuff. So it was a lot of new. It was a lot of new material. One of the revelations, and I just brought him up, and I'm so glad I didn't kill him in 1986. I had a great seat to watch Eddie Murphy do two of the sketches he was in. My seat was just looking right into it. And I maintain, if he's not the most talented person to ever grace Saturday Night Live, I don't know who it would be. He became Tracy Morgan. Yeah. I watched him. I watched him getting ready, band's playing, they're counting down. We're getting to within 30 seconds. His face is still completely neutral. He walks, he gets behind the podium where they're gonna play Jeopardy. He picks up his controller. And then I saw his face morph and he became Tracy Morgan with like three seconds to go. And then he's in a scared straight sketch. Yeah. Which is in the exact same position. And he was mesmerizing to watch. He was mesmerizing. I'm stunned by him. I really am. And also it felt like a lot of Saturday Night Live on display in one moment, which is he says he's all the way Ray because he never does anything halfway, but his hair is braided on one half and then sticking up. And it was like that dumb ass funny joke that Jost wrote, then the hair department made that wig. Yeah. Luckily for that, it looks perfect. And the sketch starts and it's just sort of like a broad touch. And then he has that joke. It was just a lot of things. Every department, you know, hard at work on like the funniest, dumbest joke. I had a absolutely lovely time. And this was, I think a week and a half or something before the Oscars. And I didn't have time to go. And something in me said, you have to go. Oh, that's cool. And I got my ass there. And just loved it. And loved getting to talk to Lorne and tell him, I hope some of this is sinking in Lorne and what you've achieved. My God. I want that for you. Getting to talk to so many people from over the years, some of whom worked on my late night show for a while when we were at Rockford Center and then drifted back to SNL. But I thought it was a triumph and wow. I mean, I can't imagine everything that went into putting that show together. Well, what was fun was from my perspective, months out, there was Radio City, nothing Saturday, and then the broadcast on Sunday. And I talked to Lorne and he'd tell me a couple things that were gonna be at Radio City. And then he would tell me, and Sunday, I think it's Paul and maybe one other detail. This for months. Right. And which Paul? Exactly. You never know. He broke a broom in half and said, fight it out. And they both won. They both won. Which Paul? The one who had a partner that they didn't get along. That still doesn't help. Wait, real quick, speaking of Paul McCartney, I have to, I feel bad because one of the two participants should break this joke. But right after the 50th, Marty Short did the end of the show, the good nights. He had introduced McCartney and then he was doing the good nights and thanking everyone and thank, and thanks Paul McCartney. And it's big applause and all crazy. And then right after the credits are done, Fred runs up to Marty and he goes, dude, what did you say? And he goes, what, what? And he goes, you said Tony McCartney. Oh my God. And Marty goes, what? Oh my God, damn it. And he was like, you said Tony McCartney. That's fantastic. It's such a good bit. It's such a good bit because I would immediately believe that. Because, and this isn't true Armisen, who would lie about that? Exactly. And when you're speaking in a setting like that, live on TV, you really do feel slightly disconnected. It just all feels like air coming out of you. And dude, you said Tony McCartney. I had a- And what if, and Tony McCartney and everyone's still kind of applauded, but I thought Marty had lost his mind. Did he tell him right away? I'm just kidding. I'm not sure how long, probably right away. They probably still haven't told him. It's why he's gone into seclusion. You know, there was the show and then there was a party at the Plaza. Oh man. And I went to that party at the Plaza. I got beef with that party again. What's that? I got beef with that party again. Which is? The 40th and the 50th. Everyone's trying to talk and these musicians get up and start playing and it stinks. I want them off the stage. They're so loud. We can't have a conversation. You can't have a conversation. We all want to sit and stand in various areas talking poorly about our contemporaries. Yes, thank you. And you're out there trying to do an arcade fight. Get out of here. Yeah. I wanted to get a little spray bottle of water and just scoop them off stage. I was so mad. Like you're training a puppy. Exactly. No, what about us looks like we want to move our bodies and dance. We're all tired and we want to speak lovingly, but poorly of our contemporaries, co-workers, as a whole and what the planning was like. Yes. And you, I remember the 40th, that was that guy. I didn't get to go. That fucking Prince. Yeah. Gets up. Yeah. And everyone talks about this like is the greatest night in New York history. It stunk. They sounded like a wedding band. It was like Elvis Perkins, Paul McCartney, maybe Acrid, all of them just playing at once. Yeah. Loudly. And then Prince got up and we had to act like that was a big deal. And I'm just trying. I just was like, I just wanted to talk shit with Bobby Moynihan. Yeah. It was such a bummer. It's so not what this is about to me, loud guitars. I had. I was really mad. And then when I saw them start to plug in at the 50th, I left, I said, I can't, I can't do everything. Okay. Well, here's the thing. I know how to make a good party. We would lower the music and we would all quietly say, say slightly negative things. Yeah. And there were different levels at the Plaza. And I walked in and I decided I knew there was music and I didn't go towards the music. I stayed down. There was a bar. I ended up in the lobby where there were couches. Yeah. Just hung out there. I went past the lobby. There's a bar area and I'm standing at the bar area. And I had said hello to a couple of people and I turn around and Paul McCartney standing right there. And I'm an insane Beatles fan. I've interviewed him a bunch of times, but I always assume I think correctly that he's met too many people in his life. So I don't say like, hey, Paul, you know who I am. We start chatting. I tell him I really liked the Golden Slumbers medley and I like how the guitar parts at the end are so distinctive because the three Beatles played them Paul first. Really cool, dude. Sounds really cool. I'm sorry. I know, I know, I know. I like the three guitar parts. You fucking dork. I know. I'm saying, I know. I'm celebrating my dorkdom. He's looking at the exit. Because all three of you Beatles played them. Yeah. I didn't remember the other one's name. Yeah, all three of you. And so he. Joel and Roger. But he's chatting and he's like, oh, you know, he's talking about it. We're having like a nice conversation. Goes on for a while. I said a couple of things about, I think a couple of nice things about more contemporary work he's done. He seemed to like that. And then he said, well, you've said some nice things to me. And then he said, maybe you want to even it out a little. Like, you know, you've said some nice things. Maybe you should, maybe you want to go the other way for the next comment. And I said, okay, you guys peaked. Jesus. Oh my God. I'm sorry. I said, you guys peaked with the Quarrymen. Everything after that was shit. That's great. And he didn't laugh. He looked a little surprised, but I basically told him the group they had before they were the Beatles was the best. And everything after that was shit. And then I knew to walk away. And I thought maybe, maybe that's going to penetrate everything else he's heard tonight. Maybe he's going to wake up at two in the morning, go, did that fucker say that I peaked with the Quarrymen? Three people in Liverpool probably said that. Yeah. And it stuck with them. Yeah. Like when you was playing weddings, you was better. Yeah. And they're like, you know, it stays with you. And you go like, yeah, I'd like to see that lady see us now. You know? And with the Tony McCartney insult, I bet his head was spinning. Yeah. He didn't know. He was taking punches left and right. My point, sorry. The thing I failed to say was that those conversations with Lauren, like I feel like in a marvelous way, in order to get the collective heart rate where it needed to be, that show was not planned till much closer to it. Oh, I- I mean, you would know, but it really was, it was really fun. It was humorously down to the wire and then it passed the point of humor. Yeah. It was great. I knew that that would be the case because that's the way it has to be. I also knew- And it got there and it was really hard with a two-year run-up. And this is selling. Yeah. He got it there. Very hard to do that. It's like if they had announced- There was that Thursday. They announced two years out that they were going to be going to Mars with a rocket. Yep. And it's the night before and they're trying to figure out where the nose cone is. Or they're like, or it could be Venus. And you're like. Like to get everyone there with such a good feeling, but by Thursday to create an atmosphere where like me and Tina and Seth and Jost are running into each other going, what the hell is happening? Like that was real. That was a work of art. The stress leading up to it was a work of art. Well, I'm selling out Jim Downey, but I know it was because Jim Downey was calling me pitching things. Oh yeah. To me, like a week- Showing that full Bob Newhart sketch? A week before and saying, wait. I said, yeah, I think I'm going to be able to come, but wait, you want me to do something? I don't think I'm doing anything. And he's like, no, no, no, it'd be great. It'd be great. And also with Norm, you could do a Norm thing. And, but you could also do this. And I said, and I got the impression, I started to have the impression that he was wandering around the basement of 30 Rock with a phone and the cord had been snipped. Like he wasn't talking. And so I, he was pitching things that I don't think had any chance of happening. Well, he wanted to show in its entirety, a cut sketch that Bob Newhart started called Dave's Superstore. Have you ever heard of it? It's like based on, you know, those Midwestern stores, like a Ben Franklin. Oh. Who sells Hummel figurines and kites and anything. Yes, yes. Oh, is it the store that has everything? Kind of, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And so it's, you know, hey, do you have a crossbow made out of white chocolate? Yes. We have one. And so it's that bit with Bob Newhart. It sounded great, but in the middle of the 50th, Jim wanted to show it in its entirety. Yes, yes. And I thought that that was such a funny thing to be pushing within 72 hours of the broadcast. Yes, yes. And I was getting these calls from Jim, like, so it's a, hey, it's all planned. You're gonna introduce a sketch. And I, I, it's all planned. Yeah. It's, you know, the fix is in. You're gonna. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I discreetly reached out to some other people who said no. The best call was the Saturday before I was about to fly in for the week. And Jim goes, now, when are you gonna be in the office? And I go, well, I land Monday at this time. He goes, but what time are you getting in? I was like, I'm not sure what time I'm arriving at the office. He goes, I will commit now to keeping bankers hours if you do. I will commit now to keeping bankers hours. Hi. Hi. Something you've done that I've always been curious about is you've done Broadway. And I have always been curious about it because I've always, it's always been kind of like a secret dream of mine. Why secret? Well, I don't know. Just, it just, for such a long time, there were years ago, I was offered a chance to do The Music Man, which I was built to do. And it was this big production of The Music Man, but I was doing the late night show at the same time. And we realized there's no way that's going to work. It was just not going to work. And I didn't do it. You would have been done. What time were you done taping? 6.30? You walk over to what? The Winter Garden? Yeah. You could have done it. I know. You could do it now. But I- I'm not kidding. You could totally, why wouldn't you do The Music Man? I saw you and Nick Kroll do Oh, Hello. I had such joy watching you guys up there, and then you invited me up to be part of the madness for a little bit, as you did with Secret Guests. And it was so fun. And I always thought, oh, I know what I would love. I don't want to have to carry a Broadway show, but I would love to be a cameo in a very funny, successful Broadway show, sort of like King George in Hamilton. Yeah. I want to come in like Jonathan Groff and get my laughs and then go backstage. Like you could do Master of the House in Les Mis. Yeah. Something. I just would love the idea of living in New York for a couple of months. Oh my God, yeah. And you've done that twice now. Yeah, we just did, I did a five-week run in what was a total 10-week run of the Simon Rich play All In. So I was in it, opened it with Richard Kind, Fred Armisen, and Renee Elise Goldsberry. And then Chloe Fineman joined the cast when Renee was out. And it was great. Five weeks at the Hudson Theater, which is a great theater for comedy. And it's Richard and Fred, Chloe and Renee, and Alex Timbers, who's directed my past two specials. And I've worked with them on lots of things and who had directed Oh Hello. So it was the best. It was like Christmas on Broadway for five weeks with very close friends, written by my favorite person in the world. Right. And it's just, I've always imagined, the part that seems that I've romanticized is walking to the theater. Late in the afternoon. Like you say, it's winter, sun going down. I'm headed to the theater. I'm on tonight. Goodbye. Goodbye, darling. You get a big, expensive-ass coat, big-ass collar. Walk down the street. I hadn't thought of the coat. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And Matt, you were picturing a little, tiny, cheap coat. Yes, a big-ass coat. Barely. Long, overcoat, big-ass collar, like Babe Ruth. I exactly know the coat you're talking about. You know the one I mean, yeah, and the big hat. Yeah, yeah, yes, I want it all. I think that would be so much fun. This is one of those things I bet that you will not do soon enough, and you should do it. Yeah. Yeah, what? Go do it. The world's your oyster. But I'm busy. Yeah, sort of. Not really. I know, I'm not busy. No, you are busy, but you can fit it in, you know? Yeah, yeah. So proud I didn't make a crass joke there, you know? Oh, come on, Conan. But you know what I mean? No, but, and I'm commenting on it. It's a family show. No, but can I say something? It's a family show. No, but can I just say something? No, but here's the thing. You've turned a family program into something else entirely. You know what I meant by fit it in, though, right? Oh, Jesus, Conan. Do you know what I was talking about? Do I know what you're talking about? The euphemism of fit it in? Yeah. Yeah, I get it. Yeah. And honey, I'm laughing on the inside. Look, I'm not the stiff, patrician guy you see. I've got a body sense of humor. Not on the air, not ever, not ever. So that was a mistake. Families are sitting around one big radio listening to us. It's the depression. It's the depression. And I just want you to know what I meant by fit it in. Do you know what I mean? I know what you meant. It's like a guy with a, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I think we all get it. If you go to New York, can Matt and I come too? Yeah, I think we all get it. If you go to New York, can Matt and I come too? No. This is my big chance. We can do the podcast on Broadway. There's a buzz out there that you've been holding me back. Oh, exactly. And this is my chance to wear a big ass coat. Yeah. And people go, is that Babe Ruth? Oh no, it's Conan. You know, that excitement of the Bambino. Oh wait, no musculature. No athletic ability, that's Conan. Yeah, he doesn't have the. Athletic ability, that's Conan. Yeah, he doesn't have the athletic physique of one Babe Ruth. He's not yoked. Six more of those, Conan, and we might have a Babe Ruth. Not jacked like George Herring. Hey, you know what the thing is? The three of us should walk around in one big coat. Oh, that? And people will think- Are we side by side or three stories tall? No, we're side by side. Huge lapels. Giant lapels. Kids' arms. Yeah, and eating a hot dog. We each get an arm, you and I. Oh, you and I. He's in the middle. You should do death of a salesman. You should do death of a salesman. And tap into the barely hiding rage. I'd like to act like it. I like that it's at all hidden. Sure, yeah. I have to ask you, too, about your style, because you brought up the big-ass coat. You've got great style. That is something that eluded me. A lot of writers get, especially from my era, we, all of us owned like two shirts. We looked like shit. We lived in shitty apartments. You, one of the great comedy writers, certainly of your generation of all time, you always, it seems like you know how to dress. Where did you know how to dress? When did you know how to? You always look good. You're a sharp dresser. That's very nice of you to say. Don't you think that that's true? I mean, always. So I'll tell you this story. The first time I ever came to New York, I was 13, I was with my dad, and we're walking around downtown New York, and two memories that meant a lot to me, both just how to comport yourself as a person. This guy's coming down the street that my dad had done a deal with, and the guy had been super unethical. So he walks up, and he goes, hey, Chip Mulaney, and my dad goes, I'm not shaking your hand, and we keep walking. And he goes, I didn't mean to do that in front of you, but that man was very unethical in a deal we did. I thought, I've never seen anything so badass in my life. That's great. I'm not shaking your hand, and walk away. Also, my parents always were talking about being nice, and polite, and friendly, and neighborly, so I just liked the boundary of, I'm just one man, it's why I love lawsuits. One man dressing down another. Yeah, yeah. One man excoriating another. So then we go to NYU Law School. My dad wants to see a classroom that's been dedicated to a federal judge that he once clerked for, this guy Ed Weinfeld, who had passed away by then. So we walk up into the law school, and there's a security desk, and there's a student who has misplaced their ID, and the security guard is giving them a ton of shit. Like, well, I can't let you back in, you know you can't get into the library without, and my dad's wearing just a jacket and tie just because. And we just walk right past the security guard. And as we're walking up the stairs, my dad doubles back and looks at me and goes, the power of dressing well. And he keeps walking. So do you think that's maybe where it came from? Yeah, I think so, yeah. Yeah. I wear a tie sometimes at home so that my kids think, it's a bit put on, obviously. I don't need to be wearing a tie. But I understand it's become, your aesthetic is attached somewhat, I think, to the work you're doing. Like you are a sharp dresser, your choice of words is better than other comedians. And I think the whole thing is, no, I'm- No, I'm laughing at what he's doing. I know, I know. I think it's connected. I think it's connected. I do think it's connected. That's nice of you to say. I think you put things together in a very thoughtful, crafted way, and it's all of a piece. It makes sense to me that you dress as John Mulaney. Oh, yeah. I will say, I am genuinely very comfortable in the things I wear. And if I were more comfortable, I am often not comfortable in jeans and New Balance and, I don't know, what would Ray Romano wear? An $8 Casio watch? You know, I don't mean to name names, but what would a- A plebeian like Ray Romano wear. That's who I was picturing. As I went feet up, I was like, that open shirt, who am I seeing here? Modern day Ray Romano. No, but I feel more comfortable doing it. You always dress very nice. I learned over time to dress- When I was a writer at SNL, I wore the same thing every day, because I heard Obama had dark gray and dark blue suits with a red tie or a blue tie, so he never had to think about what to wear. So I got a ton of gray, heather, 50-50 cotton T-shirts from American Apparel, and then khaki pants from J.Crew. I would wear that, and if it was cold, I'd wear a blue crewneck sweater. That's the only thing I wore for like four years. When I started, which was 85, the old timers at that point were people that worked on counterculture television. And they were all, they would go up to their office and smoke pot. They wore, out of pride, T-shirts and ripped jeans. And I remembered thinking, that's not me. I hadn't quite figured out who I was, but over time I saw the value of, I don't wanna look like a bum. And also when I had kids, I liked looking like a dad. Yeah. You know what I mean? I liked, for some reason, come in and I've got, I would wear sometimes my tie from work home, and they would see that when I worked, I was dressed up. And I thought, yeah, I want them to have that idea of what a dad is. That's really funny. Someone who is supplied Tom Brokaw's suits. By NBC, and wears makeup when he comes home. Yeah, like a dad, yeah. Having a lot of base on. Yeah. Eyeliner. Yeah. Well, the show, which I really love, Everybody's Live, it drops live on Wednesday nights. Is that correct? Yeah, Wednesday night, live, March 12th, we started. We're done May 26th. And it's really fun, if you can, to watch it. If you can. If you can watch it live. If you have, if it's in your schedule. Oh, sorry, I thought like, it's really fun if you can watch it. I thought you were speaking in general. I was like, you can, just a hard plug would be nice at this point. If you don't mind, check out one episode. A lot of people don't have access to television. You know that. Oh, right. Shame me. It's only for the 1%. Shame me, it's for the 1%. Whatever, you're in a bubble, so yeah. Yeah, I guess. Everyone go out and buy a new television. Let me tell you something. When I see you on the street in New York, I'm not shaking your hand. You don't like the way I've comported myself. Wait, this is your lawsuit. Here you guys go. Hey, here we go. No, that's not it. No, I think we need to co-own. It can't be defamation. It needs to be over the rights to something. Yes, yes. Yeah. Well, I'm going to sue you for that. You could sue him, honestly, being like- Oh, there's no shortage of things. What the show became was we were integral to it. You know, the way like- Oh, right. Because he'll be like, nah, it's my show. I do whatever I want with it. You know, he's the Don Henley. He's the Malcontent. Yeah. But you guys are the Don Felders. You're Don Felder and- And Joe Walsh. Yeah, and I can just- Schmidt. Yeah, I'm just going to leave you behind. And then you say, no, no, no, I was in the room when you came up with Hotel California. Exactly, that's what you should say. I was in the room and I contributed content essential to the creation of the work. Hey, you were in the room when I said, do you think it'll fit? Oh. You know, you can fit it in, right? Something about fitting in. Can you fit it in? Can you fit it in? No one wants credit for that. And you were in the room and you want credit for that. You were integral to that. I both want credit for it and I feel sexually harassed. So I'm going to sue you for both sides. I'm going to let you go, sir, because we've- Nice to see you, man. You know what? You're one of my favorites. You're one of my favorites. Not just as a person and as a maker of things. Thank you. One of my all time favorites. And I'm just- I love you very much as a person and it's really nice to see you. And I've been thinking about you a lot. So- Wow. Thank you so much. Life is good. You seem good, which is great. Just before I went out to do the Oscars, I got a lot of texts from a lot of people. You sent me one of the most meaningful texts I've had in my life, a quick text of encouragement. The eggplant? The eggplant emoji. And said, I hope you can fit it in. I hope you can fit it in. You know what that means, right? No, I don't. I don't know what it means. Why would I violate myself with such a vegetable? No, you sent me an email, a text. I'm not kidding when I say it, it gave me like a 20% boost of confidence. So seriously, thank you very much. I'm glad it meant something. You're the best. We were so excited. It was so exciting to watch that show with everything going on in the world. And I don't know, for like that, like it just felt during that, it was like, cause you know, like it's a bad time in the world and no one saw any of those movies. And- But like for that show, it was like, things seem happy and positive and we're acting like everyone saw these and we know what they are. You know what I mean? We're like, oh my God, it won. That won. That's great. You know, no one saw a thing, right? No one saw a thing. But you really did put on a show that said, this is a cool night and we're going to have fun. And that is, that sounds like a very simple thing. But as we were talking about comedy, that is like just not quite always messagey, it's harder to do. All right, well, listen, thank you for saying that. Go work on your show and keep enjoying it. Cause I can tell you're having fun. And when you're having fun, you're golden. Thank you, man. Go in peace. Go in peace. Go in peace. Go in peace. Go in peace. All right, we have a mystery to solve that maybe only you can solve. Okay, let's hear it. Maybe I can do it. That's that can-do American spirit. Maybe I can do it. This is an article on Cracked. Colorado park rangers are desperate to know why they have a photo of Conan O'Brien in their office. So it's a signed photo that's hanging in these rangers' office. And I guess they've changed personnel and there's enough turnover that nobody knows what the story of it is. And in the article, they're basically asking, can you shed some light on this? Well, first of all, it's an insult. It's a huge insult. I knew you were gonna say it. No, it's true. I knew it. If someone takes over an office and there's a signed photograph in there of say, Jerry Seinfeld, no one says, who would want this? That's not what they're saying. Why would this be in here? They wanna know the story. What is the picture? What is the story? What does the picture say? I'll show, okay. Here's the actual tweet. It's insulting. From the Colorado park rangers' Northeast region. Hey, at Conan O'Brien, we realize you're not a fan of Conan O'Brien. We realize you're a bit busy today. This was during your Oscars. But at some point, can you explain the sign pick at Roxborough State Park in Littleton, Colorado? No one knows the story, and we would really love to. You clearly left your mark on the park though. And it says, your autographed photo says, to the park rangers, best Conan O'Brien. And then they tweeted a picture of all the mountains with little orange pompadours. Aw. That's nice. Let me see the photograph. Let's see. So, okay. This is a photo of the bearded Conan to the park rangers. It's on the TV if you want to look up Conan. Oh, all right. Well, there I am in my handsome beard phase. I have an idea of how this happened. Yeah, go ahead. When, you know, you get a lot of fan mail, and it's the job of your assistant to take the fan mail, get the autographed picture, and then do it. Sometimes, and this is my fault, I would take too long to show you the thing, so you would do it. But at that point, it may have been like a year after we got the actual letter. So somebody may have sent a letter asking for it. So someone said, we here at the park ranger booth. Yeah. And where is it, Colorado? Yes, and apparently it has made the local news there. They're wondering as well. Okay, well, big shocker. Maybe somebody who worked as a park ranger in this area of Colorado took a liking, for some reason we don't understand, to my comedy stylings, and asked me if I would autograph something for the park rangers. And I sent it in, and they put it up on the wall, and it stayed there. And the fact that it's this big mystery, it's like someone's shoving a hot poker up my ass. It's not, it's this insult, I'm gonna go back to, it's insulting. We can't figure out. Obviously, long before a civilized man existed. I don't know if this will help or hurt, but the first ad on this page, too, is a big picture of an enlarged prostate. It has nothing to do with age. Just stop doing this one common thing. Can we play the local news segment that's on that page? There's a video there. Meanwhile, comedian Conan O'Brien hosted the show, leading to a very interesting question from Colorado Parks and Wildlife. Where did this picture come from? So they posted this on X on Sunday, a signed photo of Conan O'Brien. This is crazy. And asked this question, why does this exist? The signed photo is on the wall in the CPW office in Roxborough State Park, down near Littleton. They say no one knows the story behind it, and they would like to find out why he left his mark at the office, Roxborough State Park. Okay. To the park rangers. That's awesome. That is cool. I wonder if he stopped down there, if he was in town. He must have, and maybe an ex-employee had it signed. Who knows? I love it. Who knows? Let us know. This must be the most amazing place to live that they have literally no news. This is, I'm sorry, Roxborough State Park. And to those anchors, I'm with you. What? Yeah. What? Why is Conan here? The real question is, the question is why would someone like Conan? Why would someone cherish an autographed photo of Conan? What's this doing here? That's what you say, that's what you say when there's like a weird crop circle that no one can explain. What does this mean? I'm sorry somebody in Roxborough State Park once took a shining to my old colleague. Liked you enough to ask for a picture, but didn't take the picture with him or her. Didn't take it with them. It came and they were like, well, you got everything. Hey, what about the picture you had? Eh, leave it. Let's leave it, it'll be a real mystery. It'll probably end up on the news. Why is Conan here? We've got beef now. Colorado, we've got beef. Coming for you, I'm coming for you. I don't even know what that means, I'm coming for you. I know, what do you mean? You're gonna go visit the park? That is another mystery. What did Conan O'Brien mean when he said, we're coming for you? Yeah, exactly. Oh wow, that is hilarious. That's good. Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Mufsesian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Khan. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.