Communicating with Confidence When You’re Under Pressure

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You're listening to Women at Work from Harvard Business Review. I'm Amy Bernstein. I'm Amy Gallo. Communicating clearly, completely, and persuasively sets you up to have the impact and influence you're after. It's how we pitch our brilliant ideas, connect with an audience, inspire others, and win support. But expressing your ideas when you're sleep-deprived, burned out, or in perimenopausal brain fog can feel nearly impossible. Add to that having to deliver a message you don't agree with? Ugh. So, what then? Because dodging the conversation isn't always an option, or the right option. So, how do we rise to the moment, even when we're worried we can't? Muriel Wilkins has ideas. She's a leadership development coach who hosts the HBR podcast, Coaching Real Leaders. During our recent Women at Work live virtual event, she talked us through communication techniques that meet you where you're at mentally and emotionally. I started by asking her if there was a particular communication skill that she'd been working on. Oh my gosh. I feel like I've been working on it for 52 years, basically my whole life. And it might not be what you expect, because I think people probably say, oh, how do I communicate clearly? For me, the communication issue that I'm working on, and it's a lifelong journey, is that of listening. And really listening to understand, rather than just listen so I can play back what the person said, right? So, listening in a way to make others feel heard, make others feel understood. Not necessarily to agree with them, but just so that I can get to a place of understanding before I move on to actually talking. Yeah, I just think about how hard it is to do that, to listen when you're feeling all the stress we were just talking about of all of these pressures that are on you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I think it's, I mean, I say it's listening because, you know, you asked me about communications, but I actually think the deeper work there is about not being reactive. And so listening helps me not be as reactive, which we're all prone to do, especially under stress. So, yeah. You know what it makes me think of, Muriel, is, so last week, I was actually working on a communication challenge, and that was a presentation to the board. It turned out to be like four and a half seconds of my speaking, but somehow it took over my entire life. And what I really needed to figure out was how to calm myself so I could be present, so I could hear what people were saying, really listen to the questions. And it sounds a lot like what you were just talking about. Mm-hmm. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I think, you know, mindfulness has become such a big word and we can get overwhelmed by it. I know I have, where like, what the heck is this thing we call mindfulness? Like, what are people talking about, right? And even like breathing. But then once I got it that it's just a matter of like trying to anchor yourself and trying to stay with what the person is saying, because that's the only thing that's happening at the moment. Then I kind of got what that means. And so calming yourself down in that way, sometimes just getting some type of anchor. It could be the other person's voice or your own, is really helpful in doing that. So, yeah. I love that. You know, I have to say for me, and I don't think either of you will be surprised to hear this, but the thing I'm working on is not just talking and talking and talking because I'm tired or unfocused or not able to listen. And I just fill the time. It actually just happened this morning. I said some very long three-sentence thing to Amy B. And she summarized it in like a three-word phrase. And I was like, yeah, that's what I meant. Right. You were finding me right up. That's my challenge is the just talking and not being able to like stop. Right. Because we're too tired to stop sometimes. Right. Ironically. And we have 8 million things happening in our head at the same time. I'm trying to listen. I'm trying to say this. And is this the right thing? I'm trying to monitor the other person's reaction. I'm also dealing with all the stuff that's not even in the room at the moment. Right. All the stress in my life that's not there. Muriel, I've been dying to ask you this. How do you know if you're even in the right frame of mind to deliver an important message of any sort? Look, I think it takes a practice to figure that out. I mean, I just mentioned mindfulness. Right. And what does that actually mean? It's being aware of what's happening for you at the moment. You know, a lot of times we might run into a communication or a meeting or a presentation and halfway through, we feel like we're running out of steam. Or afterwards, we feel like, oh, man, I was too tired to do that or I just wasn't really prepared. But that doesn't really help. What helps is being aware of that before you go so that then you can do something about it. So I think the first place is really checking in with yourself. Right. How am I feeling? Do I feel tired? Do I feel frustrated? Do I feel angry? What are the emotions that are happening? Am I prepared at a real tactical level? And based on what your answer is, then knowing what can you do within the time that you have, whether it's a no, no go decision. And if it's a go decision, which I'm sure we're going to explore, how do you handle it? But I think the first place is really to start with where am I? And most people don't even know that part. Yeah. I struggle with that because sometimes I think I'm fine. Right. Like I feel the energy of like, oh, no. OK, we're in it. We're in it. And then I look back and I think, oh, I was not prepared to have that conversation or I was not ready to deliver that message. You have to figure out what your threshold is, like what are your blocks for me? Even if I'm I mean, I feel like I'm I probably shouldn't say this, but I'll say it anyway. I mean, I feel like I'm like persistently tired. Like I just, you know, but I'm I'm an endurance person, so I'm OK with, you know, and then I have to take breaks. So even if I'm tired, I'm OK communicating. Right. Whereas for somebody else, it might not be the case. I know for me, if I'm angry or frustrated, not a good time for me to communicate. Recognizing what are the emotions or the states that don't put you in the best conditions and they're different for everyone. I sometimes get kind of weary and I'm so used to pushing through. And the price of doing that for me is that I don't have much patience on the other end, so I can deliver the message, but the follow up leaves a lot to be desired. When I know I'm weary, I ask myself, can I put this off for 24 hours? I love what you just said, Amy, because it's not just about do you have the energy to deliver the message, but do you have the energy to actually engage in the conversation that's going to result? Right. And I think that's what we underestimate the sort of length of the communication. It's not just about getting the words out of your mouth, but then it's listening, responding, all of that. You know, and my further check to that is I always ask myself when I think about responding in the moment, I've done the wrong thing. I've delivered the tough message even though I'm really not in the right frame of mind. I take a breath before I respond to whatever I'm hearing and ask myself, is what I'm about to say proportional? Right. Right. And do you need to respond? Sometimes, I mean, that's you know, you you started off with. Listen, I happen to have somebody very close to me, also known as my husband, whose favorite line is, not everything really requires a response. You know? And I've had to learn that as a practice. Like, I actually think there's something to be said. We're so conditioned to respond to everything, right? React to everything. And I think there's just as much of an impact, not only on yourself, but on others, to actually make a choice as to A, do I need to respond? B, even more importantly at times, especially in heated discussions, is this worthy of a response? Right. OK, but how do you do that, Muriel? How do you not respond and not be insulting at the same time? I mean, I, you know, I will share how I do it. Like, to be honest, most times when I don't respond, it's a boundary on myself, not on the other Doing this and state that explicitly, meaning, be the anchor in the meeting. If you know that this is a meeting that is about, you know, getting the project approved, hold onto that and bring the audience back to it. Even if the river seems like it's running off course, bring it back. Look, you know, let's come back to what we're here to talk about, which is this project and the three things that we need to discuss to get it approved, right? So if you can try to stay as structured as possible, that will help you in terms of then keeping yourself steady. Legal teams are under more pressure than ever. More data, more complexity, more scrutiny. They need AI built for the realities of legal work. For more than a decade, Relativity has invested in AI built specifically for legal teams, designed to meet legal standards and support defensible decisions. The result is explainable AI that handles tedious tasks so judgment and critical decisions stay where they belong, with you. Learn more at relativity.com/HBR. Running a small business means every hire matters. A bad hire can cost you time, money, and momentum. A good hire, they can help grow your business. That's why LinkedIn built Hiring Pro, your new hiring partner that screens candidates for you, so instead of sorting through applications, you spend your time talking to candidates who are actually a good fit. Join the 2.7 million small businesses using LinkedIn to hire. Get started by posting your job for free at linkedin.com on leadership. Terms and conditions apply. You know, I want to shift directions just a tiny bit and I've been saving this question to ask you, Muriel. One of the things I struggle with is whipping up the celebratory vibes, you know? The balloon drops that are kind of. You don't like balloons? You know, who doesn't love a balloon? But it's not something I even think about that much. It's not how I came up in work. You know, I came up in newsrooms where, you know, you were lucky to have a job and no one, no one was sending you thank you grams. So, but I think it's a really important part of our culture here. And so, and I, how, how do I help me get better at this, please. How do I do it in a way that's appropriate and authentic? And I can say that I do feel gratitude so much of the time and I'm not great at expressing it. Yeah, I think that as work actually has gotten increasingly more demanding, and there are even more aspirational goals and audacious goals that are being put on organization on people, you know, my sense and what I tell my clients is the greater the goal, the greater the aspiration, the greater the stretch you're putting on individuals and expecting of individuals, the more radical the appreciation needs to be. And so the authenticity part of it, Amy B, actually what I would encourage you to do is not so much look at the authenticity of the action of how you show appreciation, but start with the authenticity of the intent, right? So how authentic is my appreciation for what the individual did? Where is my gratitude coming from? Why am I appreciative? And it may not be for the same reason that they expect me to be appreciative, but let me have some authentic appreciation. Then I can move to action. And for the action in terms of how you do it, I do think that there's wiggle room to figure out a way to do it in a way that's comfortable for you, right? I personally am not going to walk in with a hundred balloons, right? But I feel very comfortable sending those one-on-one emails, sending the text, hey, thank you. I appreciate you sending the email to everybody saying, I just want to applaud this person, sending a gift. There is no one way. I think really the whole point is doing something, showing it verbally through actions, through whatnot in a way that's comfortable for you. But I would definitely say start with the authenticity part, starts with the intent, because if you show appreciation, but the intent is not authentic, it's going to smell inauthentic. Right. That's the worst. Yeah. Like even if you, if you feel the appreciation and don't show it, obviously that's not great. But if you show it and actually don't feel it, like, you know, we've all been in there where like, oh, thanks for the award or whatever when when they actually don't. I want to continue on the theme of motivation in one second, but I want to tell you, Amy B, because you don't give a lot of, like, you don't show up through the pumping your arms through the office saying, we did it. When you do say something complimentary or celebratory, it has such resonance. And I I've told you this before, but like when you You know, sort of land a compliment, look me right in the eye and say you're good at this. It means so much. And I think to Muriel's point, you have to find a style that's right for you and it will land with people if you really feel it because I'm going to believe those things you say about me. Well, but you know what? Having received the faux compliment and finding it rattles me, it makes me think, oh, I really must have sucked. Yes, exactly. That's the exact opposite. But you know, so so let me just say something, though, right? Like, I think this is getting a little deeper than I thought we would. I think that in order to be able to communicate appreciation and to communicate gratitude to others authentically, one needs to be able to have the capacity to receive it as well. And so So part of the practice is in receiving it. You know, I had a client who asked me the other day, like, oh, so what should I do? Should I do it? I said, what about just a simple thank you, right? Like, you don't have to do, why, why don't you just call that employee up and say, hey, I really want to thank you for going the extra mile in what you did? That's it. On this theme of motivation, though, I do want to ask, Muriel, when you're trying to get people on board with a decision or a message and you're finding that they're not getting it, right, and you need that patience. We talked a little bit about this before, but like, where, how do you tap into that motivation of like, I need to stick with this, you know, and I know, I liked what you were saying about checking in, but is there anything else to sort of internally tap into when you need that patience and they're just not getting it? Yeah. I mean, I think a place to start is to even recognize why you're not patient. I mean, why do we get impatient? We get impatient because we think we should be at point B and we're still at point A. The reality is we're at point A, so like, getting upset that we're not at point B, which is what impatience is, isn't really going to do anything. You know, it's not going to make it move any faster. And so you've got to identify why you're impatient and what can you do about it in that moment. If there's something you can do about it, great. If there's nothing you can do about it, then you need to stick with where you are, which is where your audience is. If they're not getting it, you have to meet them where they are. They're like, that's a key piece of communicating effectively. You have to start and be with people where they are. You cannot run 10 miles ahead and expect them to hear you and understand you. You're too far away. So part of it is, while your agenda might be 10 miles ahead, while the final point might be 10 miles ahead, they're still at mile one. You've got to be right there and saying, okay, let me break it down to you, right? So when you're at a place where somebody is not moving forward in terms of the thought pattern or what you're trying to communicate, a couple of things you can do. Number one is you take a couple of steps back. You take a couple of steps back, say, you know what? Let me go back to sort of the assumptions that we use as we talk through this. Or let me pull back big picture, which is what we call framing something. Reframe the message. So those are two steps you can take. You can also say, you know, I feel like I'm explaining this in a way, but I'm not sure if it's quite landing. What concerns do you have? What questions do you have? What is it that you're hearing from me? So that you can then course correct. Yeah, I like that. Let me ask you another question about one of the challenges I see people struggle with a lot, and I do myself as well, which is that when you actually don't want to deliver the message because you have some emotional baggage around it or the concern about how they're going to respond, twist the message. Like sometimes I might need to send like a three line email and it takes me an hour to write it because of all the emotional, like I'm sort of dictating what their response might be and trying to negotiate with them. How do you sort of cut through all that to get right to what you want to say? Yeah, that can be very difficult. And again, the place to start is even realizing that you have all these emotions to begin with because a lot of times, I know for me, I might not realize it. I'm just sitting there looking at my computer like I need to write this email and I write it and delete it 10 times and it's not coming out. And then that's a sign, right? So in that moment, you also have to recognize that emotions are emotions. And if the priority is, I want this conversation, this exchange to be done in the most transparent way that honors the fact that this person is a human and needs to hear it straight from me, from the source, then you talk to them. If it's, it's okay for this to be transactional, which there are definitely things that can just be transactional, then you do email. Um, so it depends on the level of depth and meaning and understanding. And I think the level of connection that you want to reinforce and sustain with the others. Communication is a vehicle for relationships. And so I think at the end of the day, you have to look at what is the outcome, what is it that I'm trying to create from a relational standpoint with those people or with this person. And based on that, you then decide what the mode of communication is going to be. Yeah. I mean, I, I feel like what I'm hearing you say is you're prioritizing their comfort, their needs over your own. And I, look, I think this is why you have to find moments outside of communicating to do things for yourself, right? You know, don't look for your self-care through sending emails. That's not where it's going to happen. If you're taking care of yourself outside of these difficult moments, right? Those difficult moments will feel less difficult. What would self-care look like in a situation like this? Like you have to give this difficult message. Take the five minutes, get, get off of whatever social you're on for five minutes and say, I'm actually going to like prepare myself so that I can hold myself together as much as possible and prioritize this person and how they feel at this time. There's a difference between taking the easy way out or finding the easy way and doing things with ease. Two different things. Totally. Taking the easy way out is outside of ourselves. I'm going to send the email because that's the easier, faster, quicker. I don't have to deal with the way they react right in front of me. That way it doesn't feel messy even though it still is, you know, it's all an illusion. That's the easy. It's outside of ourselves. It's the action is easy. Then there's the doing it with ease. The doing it with ease is no matter how they react, I'm okay because I know that this is a message that I already understood that they might not like it. And I'm trying the best that I can. And I took them into consideration as I delivered the message. And so to me, the goal is like, can you communicate in difficult situations, but do it with an inner ease, even though the external is a hot mess. HBR Leadership will be back next Wednesday with another handpicked conversation from Harvard Business Review. This episode was produced by Mary Doon. On Leadership's team includes Maureen Hoke, Rob Eckhart, Erica Trexler, and Ian Fox. If this episode helped you, please share it with your friends and colleagues and follow the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen. While you're there, consider leaving us a review. When you're ready for more podcasts, articles, case studies, books, and videos with the world's top business and management experts, find it all at hbr.org. Running a small business means every hire matters. A bad hire can cost you time, money, and momentum. A good hire, they can help grow your business. That's why LinkedIn built Hiring Pro, your new hiring partner that screens candidates for you. So instead of sorting through applications, you spend your time talking to candidates who are actually a good fit. Join the 2.7 million small businesses using LinkedIn to hire. Get started by posting your job for free at linkedin.com slash onleadership. Terms and conditions apply.